Are the stars still shining?

I open my eyes

Darkness continues...

Are the stars still shining?

Shortly light begins to enter

I rise and climb out of our wombspace

The soft light still beneath the horizon

Bringing images to my eyes

Clarifying the clouds, the trees

Before only the sounds of the wind the waves

The songs of the birds

I create my sacred space.

I sit

And discover what is here now in this moment

How does my body feel today?

My breath?

Where are the wanderings and wonderings of my mind taking me?

Is the air cool and breezy or hot and still

Wet or dry?

I connect to my breath

Let my body guide me into gentle movements

As I awaken

Will my movements be slow and easy today?

Strong and quick?

I flow or stumble in the ways

my body guides me and then

into Stillness.

The breeze brushes against my skin

bringing a chill

The sun begins to rise above the mountaintops

Peeking shyly through the clouds

As its rays reach my skin

I immediately feel its warmth

Welcomed in this moment

But later I will seek shelter from its power

My loose strands of hair

Tickle my neck as they are led in a dance by the breeze

I think of my beloved

Still sweetly sleeping below

As we rock back and forth in the waves

like being held in a mother's arms

I dive into the water

Feel my body enter into the coolness and wet

I taste the salt and am reminded of

my own sweat

How we are made of the same materials

I swim

Surrounded by fish and diving pelicans

I am instantly in another universe

A strange world where I can only be observer.

So,we left close to 2 months ago. We've been sailing since the beginning of September. It wasn't our plan to get on a boat. We just got back from last year's trip in May, I wanted more time with family and friends, we were going to sell the house, we bought a toyota dolphin rv we were going to live and travel in in the U.S.  Then we got the email…

That was how it happened the first time just 6 months ago. We bought plane tickets home, made work and personal commitments, felt ready to go home. Then we got the message. After email communications and interviews on Skype we decided to go. We cancelled the flight and made apologies that we couldn't keep our commitments. And we flew to Panama and got on a sailboat for a month.

It was my first time sailing besides a short day trip. I had always wondered about sailing and the wanderer in me had been curious about living on a boat and traveling by sea. I never thought I would get to know, but I suppose in my wonderings a seed was planted, dreams growing from that seed. Keep dreaming, you never know what you can create from those dreams, even if they feel distant or far off from anything you believe could ever happen.

I learned a lot. I learned what I loved and I learned some of the challenges. Any time you get more than 2 people in a small space, that alone can be challenging, especially for introverts that love their personal space. But you make it work, or you get off the boat.

What I love: basically living outside, being so in touch with the ocean and its moods, the openness of the skies, clouds, storms, sun, sunsets,  sunrises, starry nights, birds of all kinds flying by or landing on the boat and traveling with you, the dolphins that swim and play along with you at the front of the boat, being so connected to nature, flowing with life, with the weather and winds or stillness or squalls, eating freshly caught fish, meeting other free spirits from around the world who love this life as well.

So, we were getting the rv and house ready and we got the email. It was too good to pass up. A classic boat, 1923 wooden 86’ schooner, a sailing museum! All expenses paid (rare), and a boat to really learn about sailing on, and he was ok that I didn't have much experience.

That was the tough part. The first boat knew I didn't have any experience, and most everything was in Spanish. I didn't do much but observe even though I was capable.  So I get on this boat and it may as well as been French (which I don't speak) because it was all boat-ese. And not your everyday sailing… experienced people get on and look around saying, “and what is that?!”.

So, I got past the learning curve and we pretty much got into a groove of how to do everything. There are the owners who are a couple, and there were 4 crew. Now there are 3 crew.  It takes a minimum of 3 people to even move the boat. The other crew member showed some untrustworthy behaviors, so as I said, if it doesn't work, you get off.

We've been navigating the dance whether or not to stay on or get off. Thing is, we made a commitment to get through the canal. My level of integrity has been stronger than the desire to leave, and we decided that it has been a compromise, but not enough to leave.  I told some new friends the other night that we are just not a good match. I'll leave it at that. There have been some beautiful and sweet and fun moments as well. And the experience has been a great teacher and incredible practice for the both of us on compassion, patience, forgiveness, letting go, breathing, creating boundaries... I am so grateful for my partner Patrick and the ways we can support each other through the challenges and celebrate the beauty together.

So, we are just over a week away from getting off and are ready, although we will miss the sailing part, it will be a welcome change to have some space to ourselves.  We are going to take some time alone in Costa Rica and then we'll head towards a farm where we are thinking of doing a work exchange. We will visit first because they are asking for a 3 month commitment. But they seem like conscious awake people so I think from just that alone it will be a completely different experience.

Then….? My wise teacher once said, “ We can't know what is coming next or we would f*ck it up!” So… Maybe if we make other plans we will receive another email to get on another boat!

honoring....

I seem to write when I need to, I don't consider myself  a "writer", I just let the thoughts and feelings flow, maybe when they are too tight inside and if i don't do this, they will burst, sending pieces and parts in all directions. So, it has been awhile, but here I am again.

All work and no play makes Jen
a crabby frustrated unhappy girl

I should be working. but that is all i have been doing is working. and my body and mind are feeling weary, i almost got sick (headed it off with some rest), but that is what i have been doing lately, working until i can't anymore.  so i am in bed, in my pajamas, eating potato chips and chocolate... all others off to work, some alone time, finally.



this might actually be the 
crux of the pieces and parts feeling like they want to explode.  i am more used to living alone than not.  i like it.  i do like occasional company, a cup of tea, a walk, a bike ride,  good conversation...mostly one on one... i don't not like people, but that is what it is starting to feel like.  i thought of being "super introvert" for halloween, but what's the point of a costume if i just prefer to stay home? 

my situation now is living with 2 to 4 other people right now in a 3 room (2 of them bedrooms) flat.  i love my roommate and her baby and her partner who is one of the occasional 4 people that is here, but i am an introvert.  she is an extrovert.  she gets energized by the things that drain me.  it is challenging, wanting to be part of the mix, to feel included, but right now, my battery is feeling drained. My body/energy worker/healer said my body was resisting working with her (never happened before)....I am too guarded, can't soften enough...

the other 1 of the 4 roommates is my partner, who i love dearly, but sometimes even that is too much...he works in ann arbor during the week, so frequently is here.   with him, i don't feel as drained, he is good at giving me space, but i hit a wall this morning...i reverted to my childhood days of growing up in a 1 bathroom (yes i said 1 bathroom) bungalow with 7 people!  i regularly cried out: "leave me alone!!"

so between working working working and being around so many people... this is leaving me without any space for much extra...potlucks, dance parties, dinners, events...just don't have the space and feel like i am turning into that super introvert character i mentioned.  in ann arbor i could be connecting  to some great people. people that i already know and want to get to know more and new people, but there's just not much battery juice left.

another part of my story is that i am just here temporarily, i bought a one way ticket to Colombia for december 16th...migrating for the winter again, and not sure where i will end up or when i will come back.  so this leaves me in limbo in a way...didn't put much energy into finding jobs i love (besides childcare), teaching yoga, teaching art...nor building relationships with people.  i will be back to se michigan, my family and loves of my life are here, maybe it will be my summer home...but even if or where exactly is unknown right now.

so by staying in bed this morning, i am listening to that need to rest and be alone...work can wait. .. b r e a t h e...i am listening to my cycle...why did i hit a wall this morning, what do i not want to carry into my next cycle? 

"The crankiness, impatience or annoyance so infamously called Premenstrual Syndrome, that we may experience in the last two weeks of our cycle, is really more about the feelings you have because you are not flowing with what your body really wants you to do – that is slow down, withdraw from the busyness of the outside world and look after yourself, not everybody else."

very awesome article about women's cycles...take the time to read....and to honor.
http://www.moonsong.com.au/the-spiritual-practice-of-menstruation/

so, by not working right now, i am respecting the wisdom of my self...part of what i want to do by leaving is to have large spaces of time in nature to connect, i want to connect to self to nature to cycles to feel how it is all connected to   s l o w    d o w n    to feel   s p a c i o u s n e s s ...to learn to love to rest to heal... 

back in michigan...

Landed

so...back in Detroit.  Landed on planet earth. It has been a soft landing, thanks to the kindness of my parents setting up a little space for me to stay in comfort.

I saw my body/energy worker/healer whom I may get to see once or twice a year and she said, "you have a clean slate".  I am back, but I am back after a lot of letting go.  In a sense I had to release Detroit and the people and this life to leave in the first place.
http://20yearsdespues.blogspot.mx/2013/08/letting-go.html

And then in a sense I had to leave behind Tulum, and what I had started creating there, and the people I love.  I left behind a man I loved and the 20+ years of hopefully waiting for mañana with him, but we broke the illusions we created over those years, letting go of wanting something that wasn't even real...so I cleared out a lot of space.
http://20yearsdespues.blogspot.mx/2014/05/my-last-entry.html

I got rid of 90-some% of my stuff (depends if you count by pieces or volume!), kept the essentials to live here and let go of the rest...it has been liberating...
http://20yearsdespues.blogspot.mx/2013/04/overwhelmed-by-stuff.html

Another insight she gave me was to trust and watch it unfold...I know what I don't want, but I don't want to focus on that... what is waiting for me is still a secret!  I can do this, I have been practicing and there is something about Mexico that taught me to move with the fluidity of life more freely, let go of (the illusion of) control.

I am most likely moving to Ann Arbor July through December...? A couple of years back I wanted to move there, but I wasn't ready, so I moved to Ferndale.  I just knew that I needed to leave Detroit.  So being back in Detroit, it feels hard to leave again.  

But there are those things that I know I don't want and Detroit is one of them.  I love the people and community down to the depths of my heart, but that environment is just too toxic for me, I feel the softening that happened in Tulum already starting to form a crust when I am there....and maybe more than anything, i don't want to live in a large sprawling city anymore, away from nature...

What is interesting though, I went to Tulum, without the roots and history that I have here, a clean slate of sorts...although I said i didn't need the opportunity to reinvent myself, I know who I am, I am always growing and changing...

But now in my returning, I am noticing that I don't want to automatically fall into my old patterns again.  Into the same habits with the same people, just because it/they existed before.  I want it to be a choice that supports me in my life to live for my highest good.  That means some things will have to shift and change and it is interesting how much more difficult that is when you are in the space of the old, when you have shifted after being away...



...and part of having a clean slate is...

I just don't know what is next for me.... 

and that is what life is for all of us really, right?