honoring....

I seem to write when I need to, I don't consider myself  a "writer", I just let the thoughts and feelings flow, maybe when they are too tight inside and if i don't do this, they will burst, sending pieces and parts in all directions. So, it has been awhile, but here I am again.

All work and no play makes Jen
a crabby frustrated unhappy girl

I should be working. but that is all i have been doing is working. and my body and mind are feeling weary, i almost got sick (headed it off with some rest), but that is what i have been doing lately, working until i can't anymore.  so i am in bed, in my pajamas, eating potato chips and chocolate... all others off to work, some alone time, finally.



this might actually be the 
crux of the pieces and parts feeling like they want to explode.  i am more used to living alone than not.  i like it.  i do like occasional company, a cup of tea, a walk, a bike ride,  good conversation...mostly one on one... i don't not like people, but that is what it is starting to feel like.  i thought of being "super introvert" for halloween, but what's the point of a costume if i just prefer to stay home? 

my situation now is living with 2 to 4 other people right now in a 3 room (2 of them bedrooms) flat.  i love my roommate and her baby and her partner who is one of the occasional 4 people that is here, but i am an introvert.  she is an extrovert.  she gets energized by the things that drain me.  it is challenging, wanting to be part of the mix, to feel included, but right now, my battery is feeling drained. My body/energy worker/healer said my body was resisting working with her (never happened before)....I am too guarded, can't soften enough...

the other 1 of the 4 roommates is my partner, who i love dearly, but sometimes even that is too much...he works in ann arbor during the week, so frequently is here.   with him, i don't feel as drained, he is good at giving me space, but i hit a wall this morning...i reverted to my childhood days of growing up in a 1 bathroom (yes i said 1 bathroom) bungalow with 7 people!  i regularly cried out: "leave me alone!!"

so between working working working and being around so many people... this is leaving me without any space for much extra...potlucks, dance parties, dinners, events...just don't have the space and feel like i am turning into that super introvert character i mentioned.  in ann arbor i could be connecting  to some great people. people that i already know and want to get to know more and new people, but there's just not much battery juice left.

another part of my story is that i am just here temporarily, i bought a one way ticket to Colombia for december 16th...migrating for the winter again, and not sure where i will end up or when i will come back.  so this leaves me in limbo in a way...didn't put much energy into finding jobs i love (besides childcare), teaching yoga, teaching art...nor building relationships with people.  i will be back to se michigan, my family and loves of my life are here, maybe it will be my summer home...but even if or where exactly is unknown right now.

so by staying in bed this morning, i am listening to that need to rest and be alone...work can wait. .. b r e a t h e...i am listening to my cycle...why did i hit a wall this morning, what do i not want to carry into my next cycle? 

"The crankiness, impatience or annoyance so infamously called Premenstrual Syndrome, that we may experience in the last two weeks of our cycle, is really more about the feelings you have because you are not flowing with what your body really wants you to do – that is slow down, withdraw from the busyness of the outside world and look after yourself, not everybody else."

very awesome article about women's cycles...take the time to read....and to honor.
http://www.moonsong.com.au/the-spiritual-practice-of-menstruation/

so, by not working right now, i am respecting the wisdom of my self...part of what i want to do by leaving is to have large spaces of time in nature to connect, i want to connect to self to nature to cycles to feel how it is all connected to   s l o w    d o w n    to feel   s p a c i o u s n e s s ...to learn to love to rest to heal... 

back in michigan...

Landed

so...back in Detroit.  Landed on planet earth. It has been a soft landing, thanks to the kindness of my parents setting up a little space for me to stay in comfort.

I saw my body/energy worker/healer whom I may get to see once or twice a year and she said, "you have a clean slate".  I am back, but I am back after a lot of letting go.  In a sense I had to release Detroit and the people and this life to leave in the first place.
http://20yearsdespues.blogspot.mx/2013/08/letting-go.html

And then in a sense I had to leave behind Tulum, and what I had started creating there, and the people I love.  I left behind a man I loved and the 20+ years of hopefully waiting for mañana with him, but we broke the illusions we created over those years, letting go of wanting something that wasn't even real...so I cleared out a lot of space.
http://20yearsdespues.blogspot.mx/2014/05/my-last-entry.html

I got rid of 90-some% of my stuff (depends if you count by pieces or volume!), kept the essentials to live here and let go of the rest...it has been liberating...
http://20yearsdespues.blogspot.mx/2013/04/overwhelmed-by-stuff.html

Another insight she gave me was to trust and watch it unfold...I know what I don't want, but I don't want to focus on that... what is waiting for me is still a secret!  I can do this, I have been practicing and there is something about Mexico that taught me to move with the fluidity of life more freely, let go of (the illusion of) control.

I am most likely moving to Ann Arbor July through December...? A couple of years back I wanted to move there, but I wasn't ready, so I moved to Ferndale.  I just knew that I needed to leave Detroit.  So being back in Detroit, it feels hard to leave again.  

But there are those things that I know I don't want and Detroit is one of them.  I love the people and community down to the depths of my heart, but that environment is just too toxic for me, I feel the softening that happened in Tulum already starting to form a crust when I am there....and maybe more than anything, i don't want to live in a large sprawling city anymore, away from nature...

What is interesting though, I went to Tulum, without the roots and history that I have here, a clean slate of sorts...although I said i didn't need the opportunity to reinvent myself, I know who I am, I am always growing and changing...

But now in my returning, I am noticing that I don't want to automatically fall into my old patterns again.  Into the same habits with the same people, just because it/they existed before.  I want it to be a choice that supports me in my life to live for my highest good.  That means some things will have to shift and change and it is interesting how much more difficult that is when you are in the space of the old, when you have shifted after being away...



...and part of having a clean slate is...

I just don't know what is next for me.... 

and that is what life is for all of us really, right?